Excuses and guilt, guilt and excuses...maybe a missing scene.

Breach of Faith

I want to get out of here, but my legs my legs won’t work. I have to sit down. He knew and he told them it was my imagination. He knew and he let them think I was a liar. He knew I saw the killer.

I knew and I let him talk me out of it. I knew and I kept the secret and Bud’s killer got away. I let him. My God, what have I done? Bud, Bud can you forgive me? What I did to you? You were the only dad I ever had and I let your killer walk away. I didn’t keep the faith. I’m so sorry Bud so sorry.

Oh God, I gotta go. I can’t talk to him anymore about this. How could he let a killer go all this time? Understand, to protect you he says. I had to protect you. Can I believe him? Is it true? Was it for me? He says he is not the man he was. Is it true? Is it different now? Did he think he was doing the right thing? But a killer got away and an innocent man… My God! Would it have been too much time away from his business to help me tell them, make them believe. He knew.

Look at this. He was watching me, having me watched? No…magazine picture. Stevie says he wrote me after I got back from Peru. I don’t remember that, but…he never…My wedding, newspaper clippings…Caro insisted…the picture. I didn’t want my picture in the paper.

All my life I tried to do right. Protect my brother, my country and my city. Was it to make up for leaving Bud in the mud with his throat cut? For letting an innocent man commit suicide in despair? Oh Bud I’m so sorry.

Got to go before I lose it. Can’t lose it here. Can’t talk about this now. Later Dad, later. I need to go.

I don’t know if I can do this. I didn’t have the nerve when I got the telegram he had been found alive in Peru. I didn’t have the nerve when he came back to Cascade and started working as a cop. He ran away from home, finished school on his own. He called said don’t bother he was fine, going to make his own way just like I always said. Then he enlisted. I didn’t get a chance to say my peace. He should have come home. His brother finally told me the truth about the car. He left Jimmy stranded, hit some cars on the way home and blamed his brother. Jimmy protected him. He said he didn’t do it but he wouldn’t say Stevie did. I tore into Stevie about that. Told him if he wanted a car get a job and get it himself. Grounded him for months. But Jimmy had been gone two years already.

I wanted him to know. When I finally found out were he was stationed, I wrote, he never answered.

I slapped him that night for lying.

"Be a man. Face the consequences, " and in the morning he was gone.

Ah, I heard that. The same quiet little moans he used to make late in the night. His mother would call and he would wait until he thought we were all asleep, then cry.

I always tried to keep them away when I had to talk to her. But he heard. I knew Jimmy could hear her.

I got my heirs to the throne so I didn’t need her anymore. If she knew what a cold fish I was she never would have married me. I contested for custody for the good of the boys. Only she surprised me and didn’t fight it.

Keep the brats. They would probably grow up to be assholes just like me.

And in spite of me they are fine men. Men to be proud of. I think I’ll call Stephen. If he and Jimmy could talk maybe we could all get together and patch things up.

Oh God, my son. He’s crying. He waited until he got outside. Remembering all this has hurt him. I never meant to hurt him. I should go…out…tell him…try to…

Probably not a good idea…just upset him more if I was there. Jimmy never wanted me to know…okay pulled his self together…that’s my boy…get a hold of yourself…good good, he’s on his way.

You know what it’s like to be scared to death? My old man almost died today. I barely made it to the house and he wasn’t there. Aaron took him back to that playing field where my team won the game. I don’t know why he hadn’t killed him. I can’t figure that part out. Okay he wanted to kill me I got that. But my dad was the businessman. Why didn’t he kill him? Why does the question bug me so much?

Aaron said it.

"You had everything and nothing."

Yeah that’s how I always felt. Nice house nice food nice room a great housekeeper and no mom and dad. Every time Sally tried to teach us the fair way my old man would come and change the tune. Win win win, the only thing important is winning. So how come it wasn’t important for him to be there, to see me win?

Jesus, listen to yourself whining Ellison. Aaron was living with a psycho, getting beaten up over a game. I can’t even imagine…His father used fist, mine words…except that last night…God.

Why did it scare me so much that he might die? Bud dying didn’t matter to him.

He wants us to come to dinner. I don’t know if I can. It will be like old times he says. What was he thinking? We used to sit and eat and the only time he talked was to give us lectures on beating the opposition. Finally it was, "Come on Stevie you can beat Jimmy. Try harder!" Yeah, so much better at lying and covering his butt. So what will we do at dinner? I didn’t tell him Stevie and I just starting speaking to each other again. Sandburg has been really getting on my nerves about going to lunch with Stevie and taking him camping and you know man doing that brotherly love thing. You think it was his brother the way he goes on and on about it. I don’t know...I think, I guess I still…love him…love them. But what happens if it’s like it used to be? I don’t know if I can do this. I…just…don’t…know.

The end

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