Chitta read this. Said he liked it. Close to beta as it got, except for me reading it fifty times.

Oh yeah, for all you panting sweaty...sex does not make an appearance in this effort.

Baptismal Fire

Blood on my shirt and the shirt is stuck to my skin. I can’t pace ‘cause I’ll run. Can’t sit still ‘cause I’ll fuckin’ freak out. I can’t believe this. It can’t be happening. Three days out of the academy and I’m standing in the middle of Cascade General’s emergency room and Jim is in surgery and…

"Simon, Simon I…"

"Okay, it’s okay Sandburg. Calm down…"

"You calm down, you calm down. This shouldn’t be, this can’t be… Jim is…"

And suddenly I remember who I am, what I am. The days of Sandburg the Flaky Anthropologist are over. I am Detective Blair Sandburg now. So…take a deep breath and push the hair back off your face. Oh forgot no hair to push.

"Sorry Si…Captain. Sorry."

"What happened, Detective?"

"The robbers had backup Captain. Arrived minutes after us. A drive by, can’t believe they drove into the crowd and then three of the officers were down. Simmons going to be okay. Jim pushed he pushed Simmons. Just a flesh wound the doctor said already. Berkowitz is in surgery. It doesn’t look good Captain. Shot in the head. I don’t think… two civilians struck by the car taken to Seaside."

Trying to catch my breath here, report coherently be a cop a good cop but it’s hard now harder than before harder than I thought… My shirt is stuck to my chest. The blood, Jim’s blood there is so much. Simon grasps my shoulder and squeezes tight.

"You gonna hold it together Sandburg?"

"Yeah got to man, got to. We umm…Swat got them Simon. Swat reacted quickly and stopped the car. The shooters in custody one here, the driver I think. Looked bad though. Hostages in the bank all okay and bank robbers in custody. I think, I think one got away. Jim said he was sure there was someone else maybe one of the employees. We detained the hostages for questioning so if it was one of them, only Jim can’t do the interrogation. I forgot that…"

Simon was attempting to push me down the hall.

"What man where?"

"Blair you need to clean up, there’s blood…"

"Don’t I know it. Man there was so much blood and Jim was trying to tell me to hold it together attend the scene and how could I do that and I’m just a junior detective and he was bleeding and I couldn’t stop it. Shit, Simon what am I going to do?"

I can hear my voice rising so I grab hold of Simon’s arms to steady myself. Breath Chief. I hear ya Jim.

"Get in there Sandburg. I’m going to get you something else to wear."

He’s gone. I fumble for the holster but it takes more than a minute to let it slid off my shoulder. The blood, it’s stuck to my shirt, drying on the leather. I almost drop the damn thing. My gun never left the holster. Jim covered both of us. God, I could be the one in surgery. But, been there done that. Simon will be back. I’m supposed to be cleaning up. I grab a bunch of paper towels and squirt some of the liquid soap on them. I keep pulling at the buttons on my shirt I can feel the hair on my chest stick to it. How long has it been? Jim’s still in surgery and the blood is dry. Bile rises in the back of my throat and I just make it to the stall. I’m okay. It’s only coffee, for breakfast before we ran out the door. Too tired to get up early and cook. Too excited because I could back Jim up, trying to help with everything. So why didn’t it happen the way I thought it would? Now that I can protect him why is he the one lying in here shot and bleeding? I finally get the damn shirt off and throw it into the wastebasket. I avoid looking in the mirror, I know what’s there. Dark streaks across my cheek where Jim kept patting me, offering me comfort even while I begged him to dial the pain down. Take it easy Chief. I hear ya big guy. I hear you.

I turn on the water and really soap myself down from forehead to waist. Then I just rinse and rinse when someone grabs me and I’m spinning around.

"Trying to drown yourself Sandburg?"

I’m trying to pull away but Simon is too strong, duh.

"It’s okay man, it’s okay." I push off and stagger over to the paper towel dispenser so I can dry myself.

I really need to scrub harder, but Simon is watching me for any sign of falling apart and wouldn’t that be a sign trying to rub the water off? It’s so hard to get off you really have to scrub a lot. I think I need to sit down now. I don’t protest when Simon pulls the surgical scrub over my head. I don’t say anything when he picks up the holster and straps it across my shoulder.

What good did it do? I couldn’t protect Jim. What’s the point of being a cop if I can’t protect my partner? Simon has his big hand in the middle of my back and propelling me back into the hallway. The double doors that lead to emergency surgery aren’t swinging so no ones come out to say anything. I just make it to one of those hard plastic seats near the nurse’s station. The waiting room is too far down the hall. Please God let them be okay. I don’t want Berkowitz to die, but it looked so bad. Jim kept trying to keep me from looking at the other fallen cop, even as he was going into shock himself.

"Jim, I need you to listen for my heartbeat man. Just reach out for me Jim, I’m here I’m waiting. Can’t wait to see you man. Make my report you know? Gotta keep the Sentinel of the Great City up to date."

Simon is giving me that look. He knows I’m talking to Jim, even if he can’t understand what I’m saying.

Please Jim, please be okay. Come on man, I’m dying here.

I got to pull myself together. That’s my new mantra for the week. Pull it together Sandburg pull it together. I wish Jim were here right now, yeah man, right here. I’d take his place in a minute.

H is here. I can’t look up if I do I’ll just break down. He squeezes my shoulder and says that Jim is going to be okay.

"Thanks man."

No more words, please. How many times has Jim sat here waiting for the doctors to tell him something? He got to the hospital so late after the cave incident. Simon was really banged up worse than he let on. The doctor got one look at him and he had to stay in the hospital. But Jim sat in a chair by my bed all night just like always. I tease him about his hard head and dropping his gun, so many jokes to cover how we really feel about each other. You can yank on my hair for the next fifty years, just don’t die Jim.

The elevator doors open and people rush into the corridor. A woman, face red with tears yelling questions before she can get to the nurse’s station.

"Where is he? Where’s my husband?"

Three young men stumble behind her, their faces white with shock reaching for her but unable to keep pace. Simon and H reach out, gather her in and just as quickly release her into her son’s arms. Her sons, I can tell Mrs. Berkowitz and her sons. They all have white blond hair but the boys have dark brown eyes like their father. Their father a man I didn’t know for more than a minute. A fellow officer shot down without warning. The boys hang on to her when Simon raises his voice over their stammered questions. I can’t take my eyes off of them as the foursome comes to trembling silence.

"Mrs. Berkowitz right now the only thing I can tell you is your husband is in surgery. The doctors are doing everything they can. " He sighs, resigned to the fact that he will have to tell them everything he knows. My God, at that moment I wouldn’t want to be in his shoes for anything. How many times has he had to say these words to terrified people needing to hear that everything was going to be fine, just fine.

"H stay here with Sandburg."

He ushers them down the hall to the waiting room so far away from the two men fighting for their lives.

"Jim, you gotta listen to me man. Don’t give up okay? I mean whose gonna get me through my rookie year if you don’t. Can you see Joel being my partner? Come on man I’d run him in the ground in a day. He’s a sucker for anything I want. Jim you know that’s true and H and Rafe, get outta here. Between the three of us Major Crimes would be one big party. Did I ever get to tell you about the cake fight we had in the break room my first day back? I bet you could flip a mean slice big guy. Ah man, come on you got to be all right. I won’t make it on my own. I need you to keep me on the straight and narrow. Naomi will have to come and help me out. Can you imagine that? Just think; sit ins all over town and my mom clearing all the negative karma with dump trunks full of sage. You wouldn’t recognize this town inside of a week…"

I can’t tell how long it’s been, just suddenly I look up and Megan is here giving me a nod and a wobbly smile. The elevator opens again and Joel steps out. Suddenly I’m on my feet.

"Oh man…"

"It’s okay kid, it’s okay."

And it is somehow because Joel doesn’t get uncomfortable with me throwing my arms around him and hanging on for dear life. Besides he’s the only one gets away with calling me kid anymore. I really hated it when Simon and Jim did that.

"Jim you can call me kid if you want from now on. Wake up and I will cook breakfast for a week, well maybe two when you get home. How’s that, enough of a bribe? Hey big guy how about a skillet of fried potatoes and onions, with a whole pound of butter if you want, well half a pound ‘kay? All the cholesterol you want. Come on Jim. I hate hospitals. I want to go home. Now."

Simon is walking back to us when his head snaps up. We all turn in a weird synchronized slow motion. It’s okay with me. I want time to stop altogether if its not good news. I think, I think a trip to the restroom is a good idea. Only Joel is holding me by the shoulders and I am experiencing this really great cessation of sound. The doctor is there. Which doctor? I can’t remember what Jim’s doctor… Oh yeah I never saw the man. Please God.

Joel’s hands tighten straighten my spine. I can hear the man’s voice a garbled muffled thing. Jim’s all right. I know it.

"When can they see him?"

"In ten minutes or so. A nurse will come out for them. Is there anyone? A minister or…"

"The pastor of their church was called. He’s on his way."

"Then it’s probably best if they wait until he’s here. I better…this is the hardest part."

"I’ll come with you doctor. We know you did all you could."

Simon and the surgeon walk away to the room of a new widow and her fatherless sons. Oh my God. Berkowitz is dead. Cops have died before, will again. It’s the nature of the job. Jim’s been hurt before in danger before. So have I in the past four years. So why do I feel so more? Is it the badge, the gun? Was I never really connected before the academy? Was I really detached from the consequences?

How will she cope? Her boys, man sized but you could see in their faces the innocence. They aren’t ready for this. What will happen to them? A shout echoes along the hallway and one of them is running from the room.

"No, no not my dad. Not my father!"

Before anyone can move he’s falling and sliding on the floor his voice now a wail of anguish. And I’m there, pulling turning fighting to contain his flailing arms and legs. I push his face into my shoulder and the flying hands become fists pounding at my head and back. I can only duck my head into his body and hang on. His voice is a hoarse scream of denial.

His tears soak the rough fabric twisted against my chest. Hands appear in my field of vision. His brother’s large hands, more capable than mine to offer comfort, wrap around him lift him up and away from me. I can only watch as they enfold him and walk him back to that room where his mother is sobbing. He looks over his shoulder at me and shakes his head.

No, not my father…

"Kid come on get up. That’s right."

I let Joel lift me. Give him something to do while we wait for news. I can walk on my own. Really, I don’t need everyone hovering over me. I can’t seem to keep my shirts dry today. I should go and get some towels to soak up this dampness.

No, not my father…

Megan says she will bring me back a cup of coffee. I tell her not, because the coffee in this place sucks and who would know if Jim and I didn’t. I think I laugh. She kisses me on the cheek and I get another shaky smile. Before she steps into the elevator, a man steps out dressed all in black with a clerical collar stark white against his tanned skin. Joel directs him down the hall where the Captain waits with the family.

No, not my father…

It’s cold. I just realized how cold it is in here, how tired I am. I think hours have past with no word. What are they doing in there?

"Jim, uh I think you better hurry and be okay. I really need to talk to you about this, about everything that happened today. I need you Jim. I need you to talk to me. Come on man, just be okay and talk to me. This is happening too soon. I don’t want to be anyone else’s partner. You can’t leave now. I just got back to you. Please Jim."

I didn’t realize Simon had returned until he draped his arm over my shoulder. Rafe is here now and two other detectives from the unit. The elevator opens again and three patrol officers get off and approach us. They are looking for Berkowitz’s family. Simon takes them down the hall. I wonder does Simmons know her partner is dead. I don’t know her that well but we had a few conversations before I went to the academy. She doesn’t have any family here. I just remembered, so I go to the nurse’s station and ask after her. The nurse says she’s in recovery and still unconscious. So she doesn’t know. Who will be with her when she finds out?

The nurse is being very patient with my questions. Simmons’s family has been notified. Her sister and father are driving in from Seattle. Good she won’t be alone for a while. I can’t move. The Berkowitz family is coming down the hall to see, to view…I don’t think I can do this another second. I only try not to look at them. My eyes would be an intrusion on their grief. The boy is holding his mother’s hand. He’s at least six feet tall and wide like his dad, but now his mother’s slim fingers are the only things holding him up. He’s shivering and tears and mucus run down his face. The other boys are grimly silent walking side by side, jaws clenched, eyes swimming in unshed tears. Ah Jim…

The uniform officers wait by the elevator ready to escort them home. They can’t see Simmons until later maybe tomorrow after her family. I wonder will she keep doing this? Get a new partner, try and forge a new bond. Go on with her life, etc… God why won’t they tell me about Jim

I know other cops have done it, even Jim. The nature of the job is you don’t stay with someone your whole career. I mean you transfer to different precincts, units. There are no guarantees. I know that.

"Jim, we are a team. We are a unique team. Are you listening to me? I can not be a Guide for anyone else so you have to pull through. Get over it man. Talk to me!"

"Detective?"

"I’m okay Captain."

"Just hang on a little while longer Blair. Jim is one tough nut. He’ll make it."

Funny, I can’t remember Simon ever calling me Blair before. A shiver starts way down deep and works up until the air around me seems to vibrate with it. He thinks…he doesn’t think Jim will…live. Blair, he called me Blair. I choke on everything I want to say. This is crazy. I am going crazy. This has to end.

I back away from Simon and walk past all the personnel who seem to have appeared in the last few minutes from nowhere. I think hands reach out and touch me but I get by them and turn my back. I think Joel is bending over me calling my name. But I bat him away. The floor, I’m sitting on the floor against the wall. This is too much. I’m a cop now have to…

Scrub my shaking hands through the faint waves of hair on my head.

"I’m serious man. I’m going to let it grow back twice as long as before. You…can…try…but…I won’t cut it again. The women will go wild Jim. You’ll see won’t you partner? I want you to see that. Chase me around the loft with a pair of gardening shears ‘cause it will be so long and thick…"

I try to keep quiet, head down on my knees because tears are plastering this stupid shirt to my chest again. I need to not think for a while. Time will go faster and then Jim will be released and we can go home. I know we will.

"…lung collapsed…pressure on heart and blood vessels in the chest…chest tube…important. Slow, but full recovery…not for a while, we’ll see how he heals."

I can’t get off the floor. The voice talking about Jim? Get off the floor! Hands cover me and swing me to my feet. My legs are numb.

"Jim…"

"He’s alright Sandy. Jim’s going to be all right!

"Please, see him. Need to see Jim."

I know I stumble over Simon’s feet and he grabs me so I don’t tackle the doctor.

"Were you careful? He’s allergic to so much stuff. No reactions to anything you did?"

"Don’t worry Detective. We had his medical file right there. We were as careful as we could be considering the nature of his injuries. Hopefully there won’t be any complications. You can see him in the morning, not…"

"No, I need to be with him. He gets better faster when…"

"Calm down Sandburg. Doctor let me speak to you a minute. Sandburg just hold on."

I turn around and am suddenly aware of all those tired drawn faces.

"Thank you."

It’s all I can say. They waited right here with me, worried like me. Did I forget Jim is their friend? Did I ignore someone, say something I shouldn’t have? I can’t remember. Jim is alive. Thank God.

Somebody has to grab me. It’s Joel of course, always trying to keep me off the floor. I am so tired.

I think all this is catching up with me. I really want to lie down. Can’t go back to the loft. Jim isn’t there.

Simon is waving at me.

"Come on Sandburg."

I flash one quick smile at everyone and go to see my partner.

 

A sequel lurks...

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